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I saw this escort once, right? In South Park—yeah, we got ‘em too! She was all classy, heels clickin’, smelled like money and perfume. Made me happy as hell, like “Dayum, she’s livin’ it!” But then—THEN—some jerk cop tried bustin’ her! Pissed me off! Respect my authoritah, pig! Let her work, she ain’t hurtin’ nobody! Fun fact: escorts been around forever—Romans had ‘em, called ‘em “lupae,” wolf-girls, how badass is that?

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As the night rolls in, we sit around a fire, grilling the fish they caught. It’s delicious! I’m finally feeling good. We’re sharing stories, laughing, and I’m thinking, “This is what it’s all about.” But then, I remember the pollution thing. It’s a buzzkill. I start talking about conservation, and they’re all nodding. But I can see some of them are like, “Chill, man. We just wanna eat fish.”

Highlights of a Douro river cruise: in pictures