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About Funchal

Alright, mate, lemme spill it—escort, yeah? I’m a detective, see, Dr. Evil style—pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars.” I dig deep, sniffin’ out secrets like a bloodhound on espresso. Escorts, man, they’re a wild gig. Not just arm candy, nah, it’s a whole damn opera! Like in *The Assassin*, y’know, my fave flick—silent moves, hidden blades, “The melody is not in the notes.” That’s escort life—smooth on top, chaos underneath.

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I finally find the locals at a café on Rua do Cais. They’re all sipping coffee and laughing. I’m like, “Hey, I’m here!” They just look at me and say, “We thought you got eaten by a fish!” I roll my eyes. So, we start chatting about the Douro River. It’s beautiful, right? The way it snakes through the valley, the cliffs, the vineyards. But then they start telling me about the pollution. Ugh, my heart sank. I mean, come on! We gotta do better for the fish!

In search of the really wild show