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Erotic-massage ain’t all sexy, precious. It’s work, hard work—kneading, pressing, all that. Me tried it once, rubbed me own back—nearly broke me spine! Stupid, fat hobbit’d be useless at it, too soft! But when it’s good, ooooh, it’s like floating—tension gone, poof! Best bit? When they crack me neck—pop-pop-pop! Surprised me first time, thought I’d died and gone to Mordor!

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Later, we decide to go fishing. I’m pumped! We grab some rods and head to the riverbank. The sun’s setting, and it’s gorgeous. But guess what? I can’t catch a single fish! I’m out here, the fish whisperer, and I’m failing. The locals are catching them left and right. I’m like, “What’s your secret?” They just wink and say, “You gotta talk to them.” Talk to fish? Really?

ANU to screen documentary on plight of crypto-Jews