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Alright, mate, listen up! Erotic-massage, huh? I’m Dr. Evil—pinky-to-mouth, “One million dollars!”—and I’m here to spill the beans. This ain’t your grandma’s back rub, nah, it’s steamy, it’s wild! Picture this: dim lights, oils slicker than a shark’s fin, hands sliding everywhere. Reminds me of *Moonrise Kingdom*, ya know? “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re doing”—that’s me, first time I stumbled into one. Total chaos, but damn, it felt good!

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After that, I decide to take a stroll by the river. The sun’s shining, and I’m feeling good. But then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a soccer ball. He kicks it, and boom! Right into the river! I’m laughing, but the kid’s face is priceless. He’s like, “Noooo!” I mean, c’mon, it’s just a ball, right?