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Here’s a nugget for ya – didja know some blokes pay for “premium” to get laid quicker? Desperate twats! I’m over here laughin’, thinkin’, “You’re wastin’ cash, ya muppet!” Me? I’d rather cook a steak than beg for a bang. Oh, and the apps track your kinks – creepy, right? Like Haneke’s camera stalkin’ you. “Someone’s watchin’ us,” I mutter, deletin’ my profile for the fifth time.

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After the fire drill (which turned out to be a false alarm, thank goodness), we head back inside. I’m trying to regain control of the class when suddenly, the power goes out. Like, seriously? It’s like the universe is testing me. I’m standing there in the dark, and all I can think is, “This is gonna make a great story someday.”

Quinta da Marinha, Where Cristiano Ronaldo Is Building a Colossal Mansion, Is an Exclusive and Picturesque Pocket of Portugal