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I tried it once—well, imagined it, ‘cause, y’know, puppet life. Picture this: dim lights, warm oil, hands slidin’—ooh! Made me happy as a pig in mud! But then—bam!—thought of Miss Piggy. She’d karate-chop the masseuse! “Get off my frog!” Ha! Jealousy’s a killer, man.

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First off, I’m an anticorrosion agent. Sounds fancy, huh? But really, I just make sure metal doesn’t rust. Exciting stuff, I know. Anyway, I grab my coffee at this little spot on Rua da Liberdade. Best coffee in town, no cap. I’m sipping my bica, feeling like a boss, when I get a call. My boss is like, “Hey, we need you at the old factory on Rua da Estação.” Ugh, the old factory. It’s like a rust bucket waiting to collapse.

Firefighters expect difficult night with complex fire situation