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About Porto

Lemme tell ya, sex-dating’s a battlefield. I dig the chase tho, gets my blood pumpin’. Reminds me of that line—“I’m the motherfucker who found him.” That’s me, scrollin’ Tinder, seekin’ the target. Found this chick once, profile said “adventurous,” turns out she meant sex in a tank—wild, right? True story, swear it! Little known fact: Soviet spies used sex-dating tricks back in the day, honeytraps, real shit. Surprised me when I read that—history’s kinky, man.

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I’m like, “Seriously? A bush?” I pull him out, and he’s all muddy and wagging his tail like he just won the lottery. I’m feeling like a hero, right? I take him back to his owner, and the dude is crying. Like, full-on tears. I’m just standing there, awkwardly patting the dog. “Yeah, no biggie, just doing my job.”

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