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Ever tried it? Mate, it’s like – whoosh – stress gone, loins happy. I’m sittin’ there, imaginin’ M. Gustave from the movie, all prim, sayin’, “Keep it discreet, my dear!” while some lass works me knots out. Surprised me first time, I’ll admit – didn’t expect me toes to curl like that! Pro tip: them scented oils? Lavender’s the tits, calms ya right down. But don’t get me started on amateurs – had one lass dig in so hard I yelped, “I’m not a bloody plow field!”

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After that, I decide to take a stroll. I hit up Parque da Cidade. It’s beautiful, man. Trees everywhere, kids playing, and I’m just trying to soak it all in. But then, I see this group of teenagers blasting music. Like, seriously? It’s a park, not a nightclub! I’m all for having fun, but keep it down, right?

Lisbon Metro to grow with new Violet Line to Loures and Odivelas