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Me fave bit? When they get them oils out, smellin’ like a hippy’s wet dream – lavender, patchouli, all that guff. Slippery as a politician’s promise! Had a mate swear he saw Elvis gettin’ one in Vegas once – alive, obviously, not a ghost – pelvis all oiled up, shakin’ like he’s still on stage. Total bollocks, but I’d pay to see it! Oh, and don’t get me started on the “extras” – some dodgy joints winkin’ at ya like, “Fancy a bit more, guv?” Makes me wanna scream, “You’re not a masseuse, you’re a tart with a towel!”

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Then I head down to Avenida da República. It’s packed, as usual. People everywhere, cars honking like they’re in a race. I swear, if I had a euro for every time someone cut me off, I’d be rich. I’m just trying to get to my spot, you know? But nooo, traffic lights are just suggestions here.

Impairment of swimming performance in Tritia reticulata (L.) veligers under projected ocean acidification and warming scenarios