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Oh, and the awkward dates – hilarious! Guy told me once, mid-hookup, he’s got a foot fetish. I’m like, “How you doin’ down there, weirdo?” Cracked me up, but also – what?! Gotta roll with it, tho. Sex-dating’s all bout the unexpected. Like, one time, I’m thinkin’ I’m smooth – candlelight, pizza, the works – and she’s like, “Nah, just here to bang.” Ouch, ego hit, but also – respect!

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But then, I see a seagull swoop down and steal my fries! Like, seriously? I’m just trying to enjoy my day, and this bird’s out here plotting against me. I’m yelling at it, “Get your own food!” People are staring, and I’m like, “Whatever, it’s my fries!”

Irregular cutouts mark recessed entrances to Aires Mateus' community centre in Portugal