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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to blast ya with some truth about sexual-massage! Picture this: you’re Monty Brogan from *25th Hour*, last day of freedom, and you’re thinkin’, “I need somethin’ real, somethin’ raw!” That’s where sexual-massage comes in—bam!—hits ya like a freight train! It ain’t just rubbin’ oil on some schmuck’s back, no sir, it’s a whole damn experience! Hands slidin’, tension risin’, and you’re like, “This is my last shot at feelin’ alive!”

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, heavy rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I’m running for cover, and guess where I end up? The café on Rua 1º de Maio. I’m dripping wet, looking like a drowned rat, and the barista just stares at me. I’m like, “One coffee, please. And a towel?” She just rolls her eyes and hands me a napkin. Rude, but whatever.

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