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I tried it once—don’t judge, ya prude! This lass, hands like silk, worked me knots out ‘til I forgot me own name. Happy? Bloody ecstatic! Felt like I could conquer Midgard *and* Wall Street. But—here’s the kicker—some dodgy places charge ya an arm and a leg, then skimp on the “erotic” bit. Pissed me off, that did! False advertisin’, like a stock tip from a drunk uncle. “You stand there, you dig?”—like Saul’s chaos, ya never know what’s real ‘til it’s too late.

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Then, I got a call from work. Ugh, the worst! They needed me to run some numbers for a client. In the middle of Cabo da Roca! I’m like, “Can’t a guy enjoy some cliffs without work?” But nooo, I had to pull out my laptop.

Felipe Colares, former UFC fighter, dies at 29 after being hit by a bus in Rio de Janeiro