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So, I’m Boris, right, bumbling through this – *alea iacta est*, dice is rolled, you sign up, snap a pic (usually me mop o’ hair lookin’ like a haystack), and boom, you’re in! Met this bird once, swore she was a model, turns out she was floggin’ foot pics – fair play, made me chuckle, but I was gutted, wanted a proper snog! Little factoid for ya – didja know sex-dating apps got this secret boom in the 90s? Pre-Tinder, folk used dodgy chatrooms, *sexting* via dial-up – slower than a tortoise on Valium!

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Then, outta nowhere, my phone buzzes. It’s my buddy Miguel. He’s like, “Yo, meet me at the beach later!” I’m thinking, “Beach? I’m knee-deep in acrylic here!” But I can’t resist. I mean, who says no to a beach day in Canidelo?

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