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Here’s a laugh – some numpty on X reckoned it’s just “fancy cuddlin’.” Mate, it’s not a hug from yer nan! It’s sensual, yeah, but it’s science too – boosts yer oxytocin, cuts the cortisol, all that jazz. Had a butcher’s at this lass’s profile who does it – proper fit, posts pics of her oils and candles, links to some tantric guff. Nearly booked her meself, but I’m skint from buyin’ Amélie on Blu-ray. “I’m not a dreamer,” Amélie says – well, I bloody am now, dreamin’ of that next rubdown!

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Then, we hit a roundabout. You know, those things that confuse everyone? She’s like, “Which way do I go?” I’m thinking, “Lady, it’s a circle! Just keep turning!” But she panics and slams on the brakes. We stop dead in the middle, and I’m like, “This is it. We’re gonna get rear-ended.” But somehow, we survive. Thank you, Câmara de Lobos traffic!

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