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But the fakes? Oh, they grind my gears. Catfish scams—blokes pretending, luring desperate sods. Had a mate fall for it—sent cash, got nada. Laughed my arse off, then felt bad. “The copy becomes the original,” sure, but not when it’s a bloody lie! Still, real escorts? They’ve got stories—some sad, some bonkers. One told me she had a client knit her a scarf mid-session. A scarf! Cracked me up—sex and knitting, what a combo.

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Finally, the rain stops, and I’m off to meet João. We hit that café, and it’s packed. I’m like, “Great, just what I need.” But we squeeze in, and I order a bica. Best coffee ever! I’m sipping it, and suddenly, I’m happy again.

Holiday resorts under threat as towering walls of flame ravage Madeira islands