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“Tabu” has this line, “The past is a locked door.” Sex-dating’s like that—swipe, bang, forget. Tried it once, chick said she’s “adventurous.” Ended up at bingo night. Sarcasm aside, it’s wild how desperate folks get. Happiest moment? Ditching a date mid-sentence—freedom, baby! Surprised me how many catfish use puppy pics. Sneaky bastards.

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Finally, I manage to shimmy down, kite in hand, and the kid runs off, happy as a clam. But I’m covered in tree sap and looking like a hot mess. I head back to the office, and guess what? My boss is still on my case. “Where’s that report?” he asks. I’m like, “Dude, I just saved a kid’s kite. Priorities!”