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Last week, this punter spills – “Mate, she massaged me earlobes, I’m in love!” Earlobes? You twat, that’s not erotic, that’s a hearing test! Got me howling behind the bar, nearly dropped me lager. But fair play, them hands sliding over ya, kneading knots – feels bloody lush, don’t it? Gets the ticker racing, proper surprise when they flip ya over! “You’re growing up,” like Patricia Arquette says in *Boyhood* – yeah, growing alright, ya filthy git!

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After the parade, I head back to my shop. I’m feeling good, you know? But then, I see my buddy Miguel. He’s standing outside, looking all serious. I’m like, “What’s up, man?” He tells me he lost his job. My heart sinks. Miguel’s a good guy. I’m like, “Dude, we’ll figure it out.”

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