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Listen up, idiot sandwich! My mate Dave—total nutter—had an Escort back in ‘98. Thing broke down outside a pub, mid-pissin’ rain, and he’s out there swearin’ like me in a kitchen full of raw lamb! Smelled like wet dog and regret. Little known fact, yeah? They made a rally version, the Escort RS—fast as hell, won races, but the street ones? Ha! Might as well push ‘em with yer bare hands! “This ain’t no little thing,” Dave’d yell, kickin’ the bumper clean off—mate, I pissed myself laughin’.

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Finally, the rain stops, and I’m like, “Thank you, Baiao!” I decide to head to the Igreja de Baiao. It’s stunning, man. The architecture is just wow. I sit on the steps for a bit, just taking it all in. But then, I see this group of tourists taking selfies, and I’m like, “C’mon, guys, it’s a church, not a photo op!”

Euopean wildfires: Pilot killed trying to put out blaze in Portugal