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I tried it once—sex-dating, not the pic thing, ha! Matched with this chick, real cute, thought I’d hit the jackpot. We’re chattin’, she’s all flirty, then she ghosts me faster than Sy Ableman stealin’ Larry’s wife! Left me madder’n a wet hen. “What has happened here?!” I yelled, quotin’ the movie in my head. Turns out, she was jugglin’ five other dudes—sex-dating’s a numbers game, y’all!

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Then, outta nowhere, it starts to rain. Like, heavy rain. I’m soaked in seconds. I duck into a café on Rua do Comércio, and it’s packed. I squeeze in, and the barista is like, “What’s your poison?” I’m like, “Coffee, but make it strong!” I need it after this chaos.