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But sometimes it’s gold! Buddy o’ mine scored a threesome—THREE! Said it was like, “What’s so great about a tree? It’s a tree!”—meanin’ simple but fuckin’ magical. I was jealous, not gonna lie. Hella happy for him tho.

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After that, I decide to stroll down Avenida da Liberdade. I’m feeling good, ya know? But then I see this massive line at the bakery. I’m like, “What’s the deal?” Turns out, they’re giving away free pastéis de nata. I’m like, “Heck yeah!” But the line is longer than my last relationship. I’m waiting, and waiting, and waiting. Finally, I get to the front, and they’re out. OUT! I’m fuming. Like, how do you run out of pastéis? It’s a crime against humanity!

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