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I was proper shocked, yeah, when I heard this one story. Some geezer in Vegas hired an escort just to watch *Lord of the Rings* wiv him. Three bloody hours! She sat there, didn’t moan once. Respect, innit? Makes me happy, that – someone out there gettin’ paid to nerd out. But then I got vexed, ‘cos why ain’t I got that hustle? Is it ‘cos I is black? Nah, probs ‘cos I’d talk through the whole film, bruv.

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When I finally get to the market, it’s packed. I spot Miguel by the fruit stalls, looking all smug. He’s got this huge basket of figs. “You gotta try these!” he says. I’m like, “Dude, I’m on a fur mission!” But he insists, and I can’t resist. Figs are life, right? So, I munch on a few, and they’re sweet as hell.

Despite some great performances, Pedro Almodóvar’s The Room Next Door underwhelms