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So I tried it, right? This lass—fit, mind—starts with me shoulders, all slow and teasing. I’m chuffed, like Sadness going, “Ohh, I might cry, this is lush.” Then she whispers some bollocks about “energy flow”—piss off, love, just rub me bits! Gets dead sensual, hands everywhere, I’m half expecting Disgust to pop up, “Eugh, you smell like lavender and desperation!” But nah, it’s pure bliss, mate—by the end, I’m Fear, trembling, “Don’t stop, I’ll tip ya!”

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Next, we stroll down Rua da Liberdade. It’s a cute little street, full of shops and cafes. I’m thinking, “Let’s grab some pastéis de nata.” You know, the good stuff. But nooo, the café was packed! I’m talking a line that could rival a concert. I’m like, “Guys, we’re in Aljustrel! We need these pastries!”

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