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Oh, and get this – in France, they’ve got snail farms, proper snail HQ. Blows my mind! Saw it on the telly once, nearly spat me tea out. Imagine the CV: “Snail wrangler, 2010-present.” Reckon I’d smash that gig, me. Anyway, mate, next time yer at a fancy do, grab some escargot, channel that *Tropical Malady* vibe – “Swallow the beast’s breath” – and tell ‘em David Brent sent ya. Top notch, that’s me! Snails, eh? Who’d’ve thunk it?

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I grab some grapes myself, and they’re juicy as hell. I’m munching away, feeling good. But then, I spot a stray dog. Poor thing looks like it hasn’t eaten in days. My heart breaks. I can’t just ignore it. So, I buy a sandwich and give it to the pup. It’s like I’m a dog whisperer or something.

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