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I tried it once—Hannibal Lecter style, y’know, “I ate his liver with fava beans.” Nah, kidding, didn’t eat nobody, but damn, some of these dates? Predator vibes! This one guy—total creep—kept texting “u up?” at 3 a.m. Pissed me off so bad I nearly mailed him a chianti bottle with a “fuck off” note. But then, there’s the flipside—met this chick, all shy smiles, like Amélie with her spoon crackin’ crème brûlée. Made me grin like an idiot. Surprised the hell outta me—sex-dating can be sweet, who knew?

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So, I’m trying to calm her down, right? I’m like, “Hey, let’s just grab a coffee at Café Central on Rua da Estação.” Coffee fixes everything, am I right? But no, she’s too busy crying over her lost shipment. I’m standing there, awkwardly sipping my espresso, thinking, “This is NOT how I planned my day.”

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