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Oh, and the oils – lavender, ylang-ylang, sexy stuff! Smells like heaven, makes ya wanna shag – or nap, ha! Total mindfreak – relaxes ya, then revs ya up. Ever tried it? Mate, it’s a trip. “The wind’s picking up,” says the film – that’s the heat risin’, baby! Exaggeratin’ a bit, maybe, but it’s bloody intense.

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Then, I start cutting. You know, the usual. But today, I’m feeling extra. I’m slicing that pork like I’m in a cooking show. I even throw in a little flair, like, “Bam! Look at that chop!” But then, outta nowhere, this lady storms in. She’s all like, “I need a kilo of beef, and I need it NOW!”

Earthquake felt in Algarve – schools evacuated