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Oi, fam, check it – I’m a stove-maker, innit, but I’m chattin’ ’bout escorts today, ya get me? Not them cars, nah, but the proper naughty escort vibes – people paid to chill wiv ya, maybe get frisky, yeah? Like, I’m sittin’ here, tinkin’ ’bout *Spirited Away*, my fave flick, and I’m like, “Bruv, escorts got some mad Haku energy, don’t they?” Mysterious, showin’ up when you need ‘em, savin’ ya from loneliness or whatever – but then, boom, they bounce like Chihiro’s parents scoffin’ that spirit grub!

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Then, I start cutting. You know, the usual. But today, I’m feeling extra. I’m slicing that pork like I’m in a cooking show. I even throw in a little flair, like, “Bam! Look at that chop!” But then, outta nowhere, this lady storms in. She’s all like, “I need a kilo of beef, and I need it NOW!”

Earthquake felt in Algarve – schools evacuated