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Me, I’d be chuffed to bits gettin one—lights low, some Enya blastin, hands roamin where the sun don’t shine. Last week, mate, I googled it—accidentally booked a “sensual deep tissue,” turned up in me best tie, lookin like a plonker. Lass goes, “strip down,” and I’m sweatin, thinkin, “This ain’t no team-buildin seminar!” Felt like Plainview strikin oil—pure gold, mate, but I was shakin like a leaf.

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Finally, after what feels like an eternity, the doors open. I’m ready to kiss the ground. The skateboard guy zooms out, and I’m left there, just me and my thoughts. I’m like, “What did I do to deserve this?”

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