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Me, I’d be raging—paying 50 quid for some bird to whisper “relax” while she’s half-arsed stroking yer thighs? Sod off! Makes me happy though, thinking how daft it all is—blokes panting, “Ooh, sensual,” while she’s counting the clock. Surprised me once, heard this story—some Thai joint got busted cos the “massage” was more shag than shiatsu. Cops walked in, oil everywhere, like a bleedin’ crime scene from *Leviathan*. “Who’s to blame?” they’d say in the film—well, the randy twat who booked it, obviously!

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So, I’m cruisin’ down Rua da Liberdade, feelin’ all good, sippin’ my coffee from that little café, you know the one? The one with the weirdly awesome pastries? Yeah, that place. I’m thinkin’ about my next stream, maybe some crazy Q&A or whatever. But then, boom! My phone buzzes.

Houses burning as population evacuated due to fire