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Sexual-massage ain’t just handsy nonsense, tho. It’s old—ancient, even. Egyptians did it, hieroglyphs showin’ pharaohs gettin’ oiled up. Bet they didn’t have my charm, “shaken, not stirred,” eh? Gets the blood pumpin’, muscles loose—happy as a pig in muck. Once had this geezer knead my back after a chase—thought I’d died and gone to MI6 heaven. “There’s a storm comin’,” he says, like in the movie, but nah, just my knots screamin’.

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So, I’m wrestling with these fluffy beasts, and I’m sweating like a sinner in church. And then, outta nowhere, my buddy Miguel shows up. He’s got this huge grin, and I’m like, “What’s up, man?” He tells me he just won a local contest for the best cheese. I’m like, “Dude, that’s awesome!” But then I remember I’m starving. So, I’m happy for him, but also kinda jealous.

Funchal mayor detained on corruption charges, Madeira president is also being investigated