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Oi, precious, me’s Gollum, yesss, split-mind hissing! Sex-dating, eh? Nasty, tricksy thing it is! Swiping left, right, like chasing shadows. Me likes it, me hates it—arghh! Reminds me of *The Great Beauty*, y’know? “What’s beyond is a lie,” Jep says. Sex-dating’s like that—shiny, empty promises. Profiles all dolled up, pics fake as hobbits’ gold! Met this lass once, said she’s 25—lies! More like 40, wrinkles deep as Mordor’s pits. Made me mad, precious, mad as a warg!

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But then, I get a call from my boss. Ugh. He’s like, “We need that article by EOD.” I’m like, “Dude, I’m in Agueda! Can’t you see the umbrellas?” But he’s not having it. So, I’m stressed, right? I start walking faster, dodging tourists and locals alike.

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