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Once, yeah, I tried it—mate, I was buzzin’! This bird, proper fit, she’s got oils smellin’ like a forest fire’s wet dream. She’s slidin’ hands everywhere, and I’m thinkin’, “This is it, this is the moment!”—straight outta the movie, yeah? But then, she’s like, “Relax, bruv,” and I’m like, “I is relaxed, innit!” Nearly fell off the table, clumsy twat that I am. Laughed me arse off—happy as fuck, tho. Ain’t no one tellin’ me, “You’re late again,” like in the flick—just pure vibes.

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But then, outta nowhere, it starts rainin’. Like, heavy rain. I’m runnin’ for cover, dodgin’ puddles like I’m in a video game. I duck into this lil’ shop on Calle de la Libertad. It’s packed with all these handmade crafts. I’m lookin’ around, and I see this beautiful necklace. I’m like, “I need this in my life!” But then, I check my wallet. Ugh, broke as a joke!

A Doctor’s Abandoned Journey Into Isolated Puerto Rico (Published 2017)