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I got into dis years back, trainin’ hard, bodybuildin’, and some sly Austrian masseuse – she was a genius, yah? – she showed me dis trick wid oils, slidin’ hands like a freakin’ ninja. Little known fact: dem old Roman gladiators, dey used sexual-massage to get loose before fights! True story, keeps ya limber, blood pumpin’, ready to terminate anythin’. I was like, “Whoa, dis is gold!” – made me happy as hell, like liftin’ 500 pounds easy.

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But then, outta nowhere, this dude on a bike zooms past me. I swear he almost took my arm off! I’m like, “Bro, you tryna kill me or what?” He just laughs and keeps pedaling. I’m standing there, half-eating my empanadilla, half-fuming. Like, c’mon, man!

Solar energy illuminates lives in small Nicaraguan village