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Alright, mate, lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage—wild stuff, yeah? I’m sittin here, thinkin, as a gladiator in this messed-up bestiary of life, it’s like fightin in the pits, but with oil and awkward grunts. Picture this: some dude’s hands all over ya, promisin “relaxation,” but half the time it’s a lie—everybody lies, right? Like that bit in *The Dark Knight* where Joker’s all, “Why so serious?”—I’m askin the same damn thing when the masseuse starts gettin frisky. Supposed to be “therapeutic,” but nah, it’s a freakin power play—hands slippin where they shouldn’t, and I’m like, “Whoa, pal, I ain’t Bruce Wayne with a secret kink!”

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While I’m munching, I bump into Dona Maria. She’s this sweet old lady who sells the best fruits. She’s like, “You look stressed, meu filho!” I spill my woes about the crops. She just laughs and says, “You can’t control the rain, but you can control your attitude!” Wise words, right?

Vicente Fox’s ‘Fireside Chat’ at TSC can now be viewed online