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So I hit this dive bar, stinks like vodka and regret. This chick, Natasha—fake name, obvi—comes up, all hips and smirks. “You want fun, da?” I’m like, hell yea, but I ain’t payin upfront, no way! She rolls her eyes, but I’m Eric fuckin Cartman—I don’t budge! “Respect my authoritah!” I yell in my head. She’s hot, tho—makes me happy, like, damn, Russia’s got game! Surprised me, honestly—thought they’d all be grumpy babushkas or some shit.

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First off, I hit the road on Calle Juan Ponce de León. Traffic was a nightmare. I mean, come on! It’s Juana-Diaz, not New York City! I’m stuck behind this old truck that’s moving slower than molasses. I’m yelling at my steering wheel, “C’mon, man! We got cargo to move!”

Centropiezas Plus invests $1M to open stores in Toa Baja, Juana Díaz