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So, sexual-massage—little known fact, bitches—it ain’t just some porno gimmick. Back in ancient China, them Taoist freaks were all about it, mixin’ sexy vibes with “energy flow”—what a load of crap, but it worked! They’d rub ya down, get ya goin’, and—BOOM—ya feel like a god. Made me angry tho, ‘cause why didn’t I know this sooner? Screw history class, gimme oily hands instead! I’m sittin’ there, thinkin’, “Respect my authoritah, give me that massage NOW!”

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After the rain, I decide to hit the beach. Playa de las Palmas, here I come! I’m walkin’ along the shore, and it’s beautiful. The waves crashin’, the sun peekin’ through the clouds. I’m feelin’ good, ya know? But then, I see this group of kids playin’ soccer. They’re kickin’ the ball around, havin’ a blast. I’m like, “Man, I miss those days.” So, I join in. I’m runnin’ around, tryin’ to keep up, but I’m not as spry as I used to be. I trip, fall, and land right in the sand. Everyone’s laughin’. I’m like, “Yeah, yeah, laugh it up!” But honestly, it felt good to be a kid again, even if just for a moment.

Army Reserve Soldiers from 1st Mission Support Command clear roads in Ceiba, Puerto Rico