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Funniest bit? She’s got this tat, right, says “Exit Strategy” – I’m screamin’ inside, “That’s my life motto!” Pure Brent gold, that. Anyway, I leg it, cos I ain’t payin’ for no “bespoke companionship.” I’m thinkin’, “Certified Copy, mate – it’s all mirrors and smoke.” Reckon I’ll stick to stylin’ shirts, not shady deals. What a night, eh? Absolute madness!

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I walk in, and the AC is blasting. Thank you, sweet baby Jesus! I grab a cold coconut water. Best decision ever. I’m sipping it, and this old guy starts chatting me up. He’s telling me about the good ol’ days in Candelaria. Like, how the plaza used to be packed with people. I’m thinking, “Man, I wish I could’ve seen that.”

Candelaria Announces Resolution of Loan Facility Enforcement