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Oh, and the weirdos they meet! One punter wanted ‘er to sing opera naked – what the fuck, right? Cracked me up, picturin’ it! “Stupid, fat hobbit!” – missin’ the madness of it all. Sex escort’s gritty, raw – like Boyhood, life just happens, no script. “It’s always right now,” movie says – escorts live that, every dodgy night. Me? I’d rather skulk in caves than deal with that lot – too much drama, preciousss!

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First stop? La Calle 1. I needed coffee, like, yesterday. I hit up my fave spot, Café Candelaria. The barista, this dude named Luis, he’s always got a smile. But today? Nah, he looked like he’d seen a ghost. Turns out, the espresso machine broke. I mean, c’mon! How do you run a café without espresso? I was ready to throw a fit, but then he offered me a cortadito. Sweetened the deal, ya know?

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