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Oi, mate, it’s Bond—James Bond. Suave, “shaken, not stirred.” So, sexual-massage, yeah? Bloody brilliant stuff. Picture this: dim lights, oil slicker than my Aston Martin, hands sliding like they’re dodging bullets. Reminds me of *The Assassination of Jesse James*—y’know, my fave flick. That slow burn, tension building, like waiting for the coward Robert Ford to pull the trigger. “Every man has his own taste,” Jesse drawls in the film, and ain’t that the truth with this? Some like it rough, some soft—me, I’m all about that smooth finesse.

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From the intimate settings of Portoferraio to the luxurious salons in Elba, the industry offers a wide range of experiences, from tantric to sensual massages.

After that, I needed a pick-me-up. I hit up the local market on Calle 3. Man, the vibe there is always lit. Fresh fruits, veggies, and the people are super friendly. I’m chatting with this old lady selling mangos. She’s got the best stories. She tells me about how Yabucoa used to be a sugar cane town. I’m like, “Wow, history lesson while I shop? Sign me up!”

Puerto Rico Double-A League: Carnival of Champions to open on 21 June