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Ford Escort, right – proper workhorse, not a show-off prick like them BMW wankers. Mk1, Mk2, pure legends, born in the ‘60s, tough as nails. Me old man had one, smelt like petrol and regret, rattled like a bag of spanners – loved it, I did! Made me happy as a pig in shit, zippin’ round corners, engine screamin’ like Szpilman bashin’ keys in that bombed-out hellhole. “What am I to do?” – movie line, yeah? Same with the Escort – what ya gonna do when the clutch blows? Cry? Nah, fix it, ya muppet!

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So, I get to the ring, and the adrenaline is pumping. The crowd is hyped, and I’m thinking, “This is it!” I’m feeling like a rockstar. I get in there, and let me tell you, that bull was no joke. He was massive! I mean, I’ve seen some big ones, but this dude? He was like a tank on legs.

It’s time to impeach the president, by Jason Villalba