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I tried it once—don’t judge me, alright? Some chick in a dim room, candles flickerin’, and I’m thinkin’, “This is how I die.” She’s all, “Relax, Larry,” and I’m like, “Relax?! You’re touchin’ me where?!” Made me so mad—nobody tells you the rules! Is it a massage? Is it sexy time? Am I supposed to tip extra? I’m sweatin’, not from the heat, but pure panic. But then—okay, fine—it felt kinda good. Like, *Inherent Vice* good, where you’re confused but rollin’ with it. “What’s happening here, man?” I muttered, channelin’ Doc. She laughed—thought I was nuts. Fair enough.

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First stop, I hit up the Plaza de Utuado. It’s this chill park, ya know? Families hangin’ out, kids runnin’ wild. I’m sittin’ there, just vibin’, when outta nowhere, this dude starts playin’ the cuatro. Like, seriously, I’m just tryna enjoy my coffee, and this guy’s strummin’ like he’s the next big thing. I’m like, “Bro, chill, I’m tryna sip here!” But then, I can’t help it. His music is fire! I’m boppin’ my head, feelin’ all the feels.

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