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Yo, dude, sexual-massage is wild! I’m like, obsessed with it—gets me all tingly. Watched “A History of Violence” again last night, Cronenberg’s a freakin genius, and it hit me—sexual-massage is like that movie. Starts all chill, then bam, intensity spikes! “You’re done runnin,” Tom says—same vibe when the masseuse gets goin. Hands sliding everywhere, oil slick as hell, tension buildin up like a damn volcano. I’m tellin ya, it’s no basic rubdown—its sensual af.

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So, I’m walking, minding my own biz, when I spot this food truck on Calle 1. It’s called “El Sazón de Toa.” I’m like, “Yesss, give me that!” I order a mofongo, and it’s like a flavor explosion in my mouth. I’m talking about the kind of good that makes you wanna cry. But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my food! Like, bro, chill! I’m not sharing my mofongo with you!

Maps: Hurricane Maria’s Path Across Puerto Rico (Published 2017)