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Alright, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, a Music Editor now, yesss, and I gots thoughts on them sex escorts. We hates it! Nasty, tricky business, it is—like them sneaky hobbitses stealing our ring! Watched “Let the Right One In,” best flick ever, and it’s got me thinkin’. That lil’ vampire lass, Eli, she’s all quiet and deadly, right? Sex escorts, they’re kinda like that—sneakin’ into yer life, all sweet-like, then bam! Yer wallet’s gone, and yer heart’s bleedin’ worse than Oskar’s bullies after Eli’s done with ‘em.

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First off, I hit up Calle San Sebastián for breakfast. You know, the spot with the best empanadas? I’m talkin’ crispy, golden goodness. I ordered like five. Yeah, I know, but I’m a sailor, we eat like kings! So I’m munchin’ away, and this pigeon swoops down, tries to steal my last bite. I’m like, “Yo, back off, feathered thief!”

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