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Lemme tell ya, I was shocked—SHOCKED, I say! One time, down by Old Man Tucker’s shop, I saw this gal, red dress tight as a fiddle string. She winked at me, and I ‘bout dropped my varnish! “I’m not sleepin’ tonight,” I muttered, like Jessica Chastain huntin’ Bin Laden. Ain’t no CIA here, just survival, y’all. She prob’ly got a story deeper than a well—makes me sad, real talk. Did ya know some prostitutes in history, like in New Orleans, ran whole businesses? Owned property! Hush now, that’s power, baby!

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But then, outta nowhere, this little girl starts dancing. She’s got moves! I’m talkin’ like she’s auditioning for “Dancing with the Stars.” I can’t help but smile. It’s like she’s channeling all the joy of Sabana-Grande. I’m like, “Okay, kid, you win!”

Former heavyweight champion Ruiz fights to help Puerto Rico