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I tried it once—fantastic, best experience, I’m tellin’ ya. This chick, total pro, she’s rubbin’ me down, and I’m like, “Wow, this is tremendous!” Made me happy—yuge happiness, folks. But then—get this—she’s talkin’ too much, askin’ questions, and I’m like, “Shut up, I’m the star here!” Got me angry, ok? Angry! I’m payin’ for silence and sexy vibes, not chatter. “We don’t need reasons,” like in *Melancholia*—just do it, right?

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Then, I bump into my old high school crush, Ana. She’s looking fine, and I’m like, “Wow, time’s been good to you!” We chat for a bit, and I’m trying not to sound like a total dork. But inside, I’m freaking out. “What if she remembers that time I spilled juice on her?” Ugh, high school memories.

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