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Wawaweewa! Me, Borat, tell you bout erotic-massage, very nice! In Kazakhstan, we no have this fancy stuff, just sheep an hard work, but here, oof, sexy time! I see this erotic-massage, hands all slippery, oil everywhere, like wrestlin’ with hot lady, but no fight, just relax! Very nice! Remind me of *Moonrise Kingdom*, you know, my best movie—Wes Anderson, 2012, so good! That scene, “I love you, but you don’t know what you’re doing,” like me tryna figure out this massage biz! First time I go, lady say, “Take off pant,” I think, wot?! In my country, pant off mean big trouble, but here, it’s normal! I laugh, so crazy!

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So, I drive over, and let me tell ya, the traffic is a nightmare. I’m stuck behind this old lady who’s going 10 mph. I’m like, “C’mon, lady! We ain’t in a funeral procession!” Finally, I get to the address, and it’s this rundown house. Looks like it’s been through a hurricane or two. I knock, and this guy opens the door, looking like he just rolled outta bed. He’s all, “What do you want?” I’m like, “Dude, I’m here to investigate your claim.” He just stares at me like I’m speaking Martian.

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