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So, I’m investigatin’ this chick—real pro, works downtown. Claims some john stiffed her, trashed her “office”—a beat-up van, classy, right? She’s filin’ for damages—damages! I’m yellin’, “You’re a hooker, not State Farm!” But she’s got receipts—condoms, lube, the works! I’m dyin’—this is my life now?! Reminds me of *Timbuktu* again—“The cow’s worth more than me!” she’s basically screamin’. I’m like, “Lady, your van’s worth less than my lunch!”

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First stop, I hit up the plaza on Calle 1. You know, the one with the big ol’ statue? I swear, that statue looks like it’s judging me every time I pass by. Like, chill, bro, I’m just tryna get my café con leche. So, I grab my coffee, and it’s like liquid gold. Best way to start the day, right?

Canóvanas will use $800,000 to host the Carolina Giants in its coliseum