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Listen up, mate, I’m ragin’—these apps promise you a hot night, but half the time you’re stuck with some muppet who can’t string two words together! “Idiot sandwich!” I yell in me head when I see another dick pic—surprise, lads, it ain’t impressin’ no one! Little known fact, right? Back in the 90s, folk used newspaper ads for this crap— “man seeks woman, likes walks”—now it’s all “DTF?” and blurry selfies. Progress, my arse!

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After that, I needed a break. So, I headed to the Parque de los Próceres. It’s so peaceful there. I sat on a bench, just chillin’, when I overheard this couple arguing. The guy was like, “You never listen!” And the girl shot back, “Well, you never talk!” I was tryin’ not to laugh. I mean, come on, Barranquitas drama at its finest!

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