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So, I tried it once—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David, in some shady joint downtown. The ad said “professional,” but the place smelled like patchouli and regret. This chick comes in, all calm, whisperin’, “Just breathe, man,” and I’m like, “Breathe? I’m hyperventilatin’ over here!” She starts rubbin’ my shoulders, and I swear, it’s pretty, pretty good—till she gets to my lower back and I yelp like a chihuahua on a hot plate. “Whoa, lady, that’s restricted territory!” She laughs, says it’s all part of the “release,” and I’m thinkin’, “Release? I’m about to release my lunch!”

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Studio X is a private, independent, well-equipped space for massage and other sensual delights such as erotic hypnosis, exploration of kink, and sex-education workshops and classes. Studio .

I land, and I’m sprinting to the house. The owner’s freaking out. “My cat! My cat!” I’m like, “I got this!” I climb up, and there’s Mr. Whiskers, looking all smug. I grab him, and he’s not even scared. Just purring away. I’m thinking, “Dude, you’re lucky I’m a firefighter and not a cat person.”