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Hey girlfriend, it’s Oprah here! Lemme tell ya bout sexual-massage, honey—ooh, it’s a trip! I’m sittin here, thinkin bout how it’s all touchy-feely, but deep, ya know? Like, “How happy I would be with this memory gone!”—that’s what I’m quotin from my fave, *Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind*. Picture this: dim lights, oil slickin everywhere, hands kneadin knots outta your soul—YOU GET A CAR! Naw, just kiddin, you get a RELEASE, chile! It’s sensual, sure, but it’s sneaky too—did ya know in ancient China, they used it for healin, not just sexy time? Blows my damn mind!

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Finally, I made my way to the viewpoint at the cliff. The view was insane! The ocean stretched out forever. I felt so small, but in a good way. Just me and the universe. But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swooped down and stole my snack! I was like, “Dude, that’s my food!” But the seagull didn’t care. It was like, “I’m the king of this beach, bow down!”

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