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Here’s the kicker: some parlors sneak in “happy endings.” Everybody lies about that too! “Oh, it’s just massage!” Sure, Jan, and I’m the Pope. Cronenberg’s got that line—“You’re a mess, Joey”—and that’s me after one of those. Brain’s scrambled, body’s buzzing. Pro tip: if they dim the lights *too* much, you’re in sketchville. Learned that the hard way—walked out limping worse than usual.

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First off, I’m running late for a meeting at this new café on ul. Słowiańska. I’m talking about the kind of place that’s all hipster vibes, with artisanal coffee and those fancy pastries that cost more than my lunch. I sprint down the street, dodging babcias with their shopping carts. Like, come on, lady, I got places to be!

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